Deeply Rooted

      Shame cycles have been something I have struggled with for years. I remember being four years old on Halloween and being asked if I wanted to stay with my dad or my mom. I chose my dad, and I instantly felt terrible like I made my mom sad. I loved my mom and dad; I hated choosing which one to stay with. Throughout my time growing up, I have realized recently that a lot of blame was placed on me for things I had no control over. I was just a kid trying to navigate many complicated things. I got blamed for things like choosing to stay with my dad, stuff my mom did, being fidgety during school (I am still fidgety and I do just fine concentrating), and many of my trauma responses after coming out of abuse. Some of these things I blamed myself for, specifically trauma responses and things surrounding them that I did not understand. As I have grown in understanding what I have gone through and its effects, I have grown in showing myself grace when it comes to reacting the...

      Since moving back home for the summer, I have been struggling a lot with sleep. I am waking up super early and I often can't get back to sleep. During these times of being unable to sleep, I know that the Lord may want to speak to me. Laying awake is not always fun, especially on days like today when I was driving to Gerald R Ford International Airport at 5 am. However, these moments have been incredibly special. I know it can be annoying to experience sleep disturbances, but I have grown to appreciate these times. It is time when I can just lie down with thoughts that come to me.      These are some of the early morning WOAHs I have experienced this past week as I have struggled to sleep, but God used this time to fill me. These early morning WOAHs seem to be a way that God is transforming and renewing my mind to recognize my identity in him. These WOAHs may seem like simple truths, but they are powerful truths.  Early Morning WOAHs 1. You are n...

     Something I struggle with and other people are dealing with thoughts like "I am so broken". Feeling broken when realizing the broken pieces of your life is such a hard feeling. I feel like there is so much to heal from and so many layers, but will I ever feel good enough? Will I ever stop being scared of saying the wrong thing? Will I ever stop being haunted by my past? Will I ever stop being so self-critical? Memories come and go leaving me feeling stuck and crying. Good and bad memories make me struggle with the choices I have had to make. I sometimes want it to disappear. People have told me to just get over it, but it is not easy at all. There is so much to work through, process through, and get others to understand about me. I feel misunderstood all the time, and I often feel unheard.       I thought when I was younger that freedom was walking with no regard at all for what happened. It was too painful to really think about, and freedom is su...

            I sometimes look around me just seeing the beauty of the world around me. I am so blessed to be here. The Lord has led me to where I am today: a college senior, double majoring, having finished the honors program at my university and going to a Christian University where I can be in a community with those who challenge me to grow in sometimes the most difficult of ways. I go on pond walks around campus just to see the beauty of the world God created. I go to work appreciating what I get to do. I dance in my room appreciating the freedom I get. I look back on my life, and even when applying to colleges, I never thought I would end up where I am today.      Much of God's plan of salvation for my life began before I was born. Yes, he sent Jesus to die for us on the cross which is ultimately the biggest thing he has done for all of us who believe. I also realize so much happened leading up to my birth set the course for how my li...

    How do you get through a tornado?      This year, I like to say I have been through a literal and figurative tornado. In fact, my school year started with a tornado warning and ended with a tornado warning. It is funny, but it also would describe how this year went for me. A couple of weeks ago, before the last tornado warning, I had a dream about a tornado as well. It is interesting to think of it this way, but I have picked up on themes in all these tornado things that have been happening.  Lessons from the tornadoes     The day before the freshmen moved in, there was a literal tornado warning. I had my window open trying to get fresh air in during a humid day, and I decided to close my window before going downstairs realizing that I only made the humid air worse in my room. Then, I decided to go outside with a friend to watch the storm, not knowing that there was going to be a tornado. My phone was charging, but as soon as I found out about...