Deliverance From Self Shame

     Shame cycles have been something I have struggled with for years. I remember being four years old on Halloween and being asked if I wanted to stay with my dad or my mom. I chose my dad, and I instantly felt terrible like I made my mom sad. I loved my mom and dad; I hated choosing which one to stay with. Throughout my time growing up, I have realized recently that a lot of blame was placed on me for things I had no control over. I was just a kid trying to navigate many complicated things. I got blamed for things like choosing to stay with my dad, stuff my mom did, being fidgety during school (I am still fidgety and I do just fine concentrating), and many of my trauma responses after coming out of abuse. Some of these things I blamed myself for, specifically trauma responses and things surrounding them that I did not understand. As I have grown in understanding what I have gone through and its effects, I have grown in showing myself grace when it comes to reacting the way I do. 

    Up until two Fridays ago, I was so used to living in self-shame. I felt like I forgave others more easily than I could ever forgive myself for things. So much of how I acted came from constant criticism of myself. I felt as if I had to prove these false scripts like "You are SO Lazy" or "You are not good enough" wrong. It always ran through my mind. I would not even listen to my body as I would work so hard to not be lazy. I was trying to prove I was good enough and hard-working. I have found worth through my success in my work. I have heard before "You are your own worst critic". My internal thought space felt like it was constantly attacking me. My negative thoughts were so loud that the truth of my identity could be thought of but not be felt deep within my soul.  

    On Friday morning, I laid in my bed and thought "You condemn yourself more than the Lord does. You are not a child of condemnation and shame. You are a child of God made in his image. You have so much compassion and such a pure heart". I struggle with feeling like I am compassionate because I struggle with showing emotions. I feel deeply for others, but I don't always know how to feel it or express it. I often feel helpless as much as I want to help. I often feel overwhelmed with emotions, and I know I have compassion. I lay in my bed thinking all this, taking it all in, as tears filled my eyes. These tears weren't me not believing this, but realizing that I am made in God's image in the way that I am compassionate and beautiful. I lay in bed with tears in my eyes finally believing in my identity as a daughter of Christ deep within my heart. 

    We are not children of shame and condemnation. Having humility is not shaming ourselves for where we fall short. Having humility takes an authentic evaluation of where we are and bringing our real honest selves to God. We recognize our worth that comes through Jesus as we recognize that we are poor in spirit without the power of God. Two extremes are not Christ-like humility: pride and shame. Pride is where we try to put ourselves above God and shame is where we put ourselves lower than being children of God. Humility is where we recognize we are children of the God of the universe saved by grace through faith, that we can't earn our own salvation, and that we are made to worship God with our whole lives. Humility allows us to be real with God in our suffering and in the fruits of our lives. In our humility, God's power can be brought out in its fullness. 

    Accepting the gospel of Christ in our lives requires humility. Lord, I am born a sinner and I need you to save me. Hallelujah, Praise the Lord who SAVES. I could not save myself, only the Lord can. These are all true evaluations of ourselves and a need for a savior. We can recognize our sinful humanity and glorify the Lord at the same time. What is not humility for Christ is "I am not good for anything, I am lazy, or I will never be good enough". We can realize our need for Jesus and recognize who we are created as in him. Our identity as Christ-followers does not make us worthless, a burden, or other negative labels. In fact, Christ delights in us and finds our worth so much that he literally died for us. Self-shame is not something anyone has to struggle with in Christ Jesus. 

    Freedom can come from being real with God and realizing that condemnation is not from God. It is from the devil's original attack on the identity of humanity. The original attack on our identity occurred in the Garden of Eden when Satan says "you will be like God" Genesis 3:5. . This was not true as God said "Let us make mankind in our image, in our LIKENESS"! Genesis 1:26. We were already made like God before Satan even attacked our identity. We are not God, but we are made like him. Shame is not from God, but from the devil when he pits our sinfulness against us being like God and separating us from God. The good news is our relationship and identity as children of God is restored through Jesus. Through realizing this, I am able to see not just in my identity how I am like God but also my friends. The Lord convicted me in this to realize where my friends are like God and to let them know that. 

    Shame is not God's language, it is sin's. You are not a child of shame, you don't need to condemn yourself for something that Jesus already overcame on the cross. You do need to recognize the power of the cross in repentance. Repentance recognizes the power of the cross and goes to the cross to lay down our sins. Repentance is joyful and restores us to our identity in Christ!!