Not Broken, but Being Restored and Redeemed

    Something I struggle with and other people are dealing with thoughts like "I am so broken". Feeling broken when realizing the broken pieces of your life is such a hard feeling. I feel like there is so much to heal from and so many layers, but will I ever feel good enough? Will I ever stop being scared of saying the wrong thing? Will I ever stop being haunted by my past? Will I ever stop being so self-critical? Memories come and go leaving me feeling stuck and crying. Good and bad memories make me struggle with the choices I have had to make. I sometimes want it to disappear. People have told me to just get over it, but it is not easy at all. There is so much to work through, process through, and get others to understand about me. I feel misunderstood all the time, and I often feel unheard.

     I thought when I was younger that freedom was walking with no regard at all for what happened. It was too painful to really think about, and freedom is supposed to be joyful. I thought that I was in freedom, but I was really numbing. I would have intense moments of feeling as if I truly let go of my past, but I would go through this emotional rollercoaster of another memory, thought, or feeling coming up. It is really hard to navigate through, but I have stepped into more freedom of being authentic. Being true to myself and to God has actually allowed me to step deeper into my relationship with God. I recognize that this is what God desires for us, to be real with him. I have realized so much more about how much I need God in my life. 

    Being broken is the condition of humanity by sin. Sin is what separates us from the perfect relationship with God. God loves us, so he saved us from the destiny of sin by sending Jesus to die for us. Death on the cross restored and redeemed us to Christ as he became sin after living a perfect life. Being sinful and being sinned against can lead to brokenness in our lives. There is shame and grief over how we were before the sin. I remember when coming out of the abuse I endured at 11 years old, I was so excited to just go back to being a normal kid again. I had no idea that my life going forward would involve negative thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, and being stuck in the fear responses that came with triggers. I thought that true freedom in the Lord was dancing, always smiling, and moving on to a successful life. I did not know that at some point I would fall into this striving to perform as a Christian. My teen years were spent trying to convince others and myself that I was free, but I felt like no one saw the deep pain within me. 

    The first part of understanding our brokenness and finding freedom is not being afraid to be seen. From the first sin, humans have hidden themselves. Their complete vulnerability to one another and God was something that Adam and Eve tried to hide away. They put on these coverings and hid from God. Finding freedom really comes from our openness with God. The sermon on the mount that Jesus gave is where he says "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven". I think that this is really where freedom starts realizing that we alone are poor without God. We don't have to be perfect to get into heaven, but we just have to recognize who God is and who we are in Christ. In college, I have gotten used to people seeing me in my vulnerable moments. I have felt completely broken in these moments, but in reality, I am coming out of brokenness rather than staying in that broken state. 

    Being restored is defined as returning to the original condition. I think of being restored as going back to how God created us. In my life, there was not really a before the abuse, but there is after the abuse. I was abused starting when I was 3 years old as much of it started out as verbal abuse and grew worse over time. Being restored for me is realizing that I don't even remember life before I was abused. I can't exactly be restored back to the condition I was in before the abuse as it happened when I was a toddler. I can however realize that there is an original way that God created me. He created me as the daughter of the King, the Child of God, he had an amazing plan for my life, he formed me in my mother's womb, he created me to be sensitive and caring, and he created me with a deep compassion for others. I know he created me with deep compassion as I have had times in my life where I had deep emotions around other people struggling, but I was taught that having emotions was wrong. Being restored as a Child of God really means being restored to how he originally created us. Through Christ, we are not broken, we are restored. We are restored to that relationship that God so deeply desires for us. It is our time to worship God, grow in that relationship, and walk with God through life. Being restored creates in us a new identity. Our identity is not in what we do, what we have been through, or our past mistakes; our identity is in who he is and what he has done.  

    Being redeemed is where Christ has made amends for our sins. His blood washed away our sins, so when God looks at us, he does not see sin. God only sees those who he delights in, as his children, and as made alive through Christ. We are not our shortcomings. I struggle deeply with understanding that God's love is not something I need to earn. I have lived a life growing up where I did feel the need to earn love from everyone around me. However, since God is love, his love is already freely given. His love is not something we have to earn as his mercies are new every morning. Jesus made it so we can enter into the presence of God through the sacrifice on the cross. 

    Being restored and redeemed is not easy. Being redeemed required death on a cross, and now we need to lay down our lives, pick up our cross, and follow the Lord daily. Being redeemed recognizes that yes we have a fallen state, but it is through Jesus we are made righteous. It recognizes that there is nothing we can do to earn our own salvation, but Jesus came to save the world. Being restored to our original identity requires us to realize how God has created us. It also involves working through our past pain which can be incredibly challenging. Something I think we need to understand is that we ourselves need to be right in our minds and hearts to serve others and lead others to Jesus. Being restored and redeemed leads us on the path of Jesus. It is not an easy path as there is many layers to the pain. God sees you and you can be real with him. 

    Remember that your identity is not being broken. You are not broken no matter how much you have struggled with. Jesus struggled with rejection, mocking, abandonment, the full wrath of God, grief, temptation, and all the human emotions. He was not broken, he was sent to die as the perfect lamb for our sins. Through him, we are not broken, but we are made whole. We are a new creation who is blessed with the Holy Spirit who reigns within us. 

God bless you through this week! I pray the Lord meets you through this week in whatever you are doing. Remember you are a child of God.