A Passage of Time

    I have lived much of my life not wanting to grow up. I know I see it among toddlers who still want to drink out of the bottles they had as babies or still want pacifiers. I know I have seen it, especially in times of my life that I have deeply enjoyed, such as my sixth-grade experience at a nature school and college, which were two times in my life that were a lot of fun. Recently, having graduated from college, I know a little longing was within me, saying, "NO, GO BACK!" I was ready to let go of Cornerstone University for sure after everything that happened, but I did not feel ready to let go of college. I longed to separate myself from the specific school, but being seen as a college student was fun. I have also grown up for 22 years in Grand Rapids, and now I am faced with figuring out this new, smaller town. 

    When I go back to Grand Rapids, I have this realization that really, there is no place to really go now that I would call home, at least not right now. There isn't a house on Aberdeen Street where I grew up that has my room anymore, there is no dorm room, and there is no apartment to go back to. I go to Grand Rapids, but I feel like I can't fully step back into where I was. I think of last year sometimes, but last year is not this year. I grieve this passage of time. I think part of it is because college is something I have worked towards for years, was deeply immersed in for 4 years, and now it feels weird to be done with it. It feels weird, but it's not bad that it's done. However, I think this longing I do have with wanting to go back has to do with this longing to not grow up. 

    I don't want to grow up. I loved being a college student in the aspect of being around my friends all the time. I think part of this longing for the past season comes from the trauma of missing out on my youth. When I was a kid, I was burdened with very serious things: CPS workers (who we were told were mean people who would take us away) from Kindergarten to 6th grade, court from 5th grade to 8th grade, and the expectation I put on myself to be the positive, upbeat, happy big sister when, in reality, I was struggling. I look back with some memories of my childhood, being happy times with lots of play, but I also realize I missed out on many things in my childhood, and had the expectation to grow up so fast. Now that I am an adult, I long to give myself the childhood experiences I never got growing up. Part of that is longing to be back in past seasons of my life. I deeply grieve the time passing, thinking back on when I first moved into Pickitt 4 years ago and the experiences of pranks, late-night Arby's runs, Powderpuff, and everything I experienced. I realized the resistance I had all the years of college when it came from moving from community style to suite style to apartment style dorms or the feeling of things just not being the same. 

    At a worship night, I realized this void I have been trying to fill of a missed childhood. It is a real void, honestly, and the realization that some memories I have of childhood aren't really that magical hit something deep in me. This longing isn't really a bad longing, but it does make it hard to move on from the temporary seasons of life. I long to be child-like. Last night, I realized that the childhood I have longed for comes out when I worship my Heavenly Father, and that we are allowed in worship to be children in adoration of our Father. The worship of my Heavenly Father is secure, in love, and in praise. It is secure no matter where I am or what happens. Yes, in this world, there may be instances where it is not exactly safe to worship Jesus, but we are still secure in our eternity. I am a child in the presence of my Heavenly Father, yet I can mature and let go of seasons I am no longer in. In fact, I don't want to be where I was last year because I have grown since then, and I am in a place that feels like I am living out my calling. 

    Something to remind ourselves of when we miss a season we are no longer in is Revelation 5, where they sing "Holy Holy Holy, is the Lord God Almighty who was, and is, and is to come". God came in that season; he was present in that season. There was joy in that season. The disciples walked with Jesus, doing life with him for a season before his crucifixion on the cross. God was present in my college season, and he brought so much joy in that season. Just as the disciples grieved Jesus, disheartened by his crucifixion, I may grieve the end of a season myself. However, Jesus is in the next season, and there is a present joy and love that goes with me. This "real world" that seems so negative and scary needs the light of Jesus. Jesus told his disciples he would be with them until the end of the age. I have so much to be grateful for in this new season. In who is to come, the 2nd coming of Jesus is something to look forward to! The end of a certain season does not mean the end of joy, the start of sorrow or depression; rather, Jesus is the start of joy, and a life surrendered to him is joyful, worshipful, and amazing, no matter where we are. There are challenges within every season, but with Jesus, we have eternal life to look forward to with our King.