The Longing

I long to be enough

To be enough to solve all the problems in my family, and the problems in my friend's lives.

I long to be enough

To be enough to prove the words said to my 8-year-old self wrong

I long to be enough

To be enough to be special. 

I long to be enough

To be enough to be successful in my field

I long to have healed enough, although I feel like I have barely peeled back the layers. 

I long to be strong enough, but man, I don't feel strong. 

I long to be enough for my friends.

I have longed to be enough for both my parents fighting over me in a custody battle. 

I longed to be enough when my second-grade teacher would praise me all the time in class, when home looked so different. 

I have longed to be enough for years, as long as I could remember. 

A Halloween when I was about four, I had to choose between my parents. I wished I could have been enough to go with both of them. 

A car ride back from dad's when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, I wish I could have been strong enough to hold back the tears of not wanting to leave my dad.

When I was being abused, I wished back then that I could have been strong enough to get him to stop. 

When I was a teenager, I wished I could feel like I was enough when I felt like I could do nothing right.

In college, I wished I were powerful enough against a broken system. 

In college, I wished I were enough to not be left out. 

I long to be enough. 

    This enough that I have longed for so long has been an enough that has never been achieved. I long to be enough on this vast, seemingly endless road to enoughness. I noticed when I was about 17 years old, that this void of being enough did not seem possible. I noticed I would reach that goal of a perfect report card, but then I would feel just meh about it. I wanted to be enough, but I never could reach that enough. I wanted to prove myself, but I never could.

    I did an assignment on enoughness this past week. I came to the conclusion that often times when we don't feel like we are enough, it is because there is a God sized problem we are trying to fix with our human-sized capacity.  The God size problems could be:

- Family Brokenness- Divorce, Fighting, Health Issues, etc.

- Friendship Struggles- Desiring to fit in, missing out, disagreements, drifts in friendships, etc.

- Health issues- Chronic illness, mental illness, physical illness

- And even our own human limitation in a world that praises overworking. 

- Finances

- Childhood and Adulthood wounds or lies

- Other big life problems. 

    We have a human-sized capacity to walk in obedience with God. When we take it upon ourselves to try to solve what is bigger than ourselves, we are limited in the way we can't solve it. These situations are bigger than we are. When we walk in the pride that we can solve these God-sized issues, we can fall into the shame of not meeting the mark or not being enough. We are enough when we walk in the obedience of God. 

    In Christ, we are made enough for one of the most important things of our lives: salvation. Salvation leads to eternal life, and humans cannot do that alone. This world has a vast amount of things to be enough in. This world has needs not met enough. We are enough to do what God has called us to do. Rather than enough, we are worthy because God made us worthy. God originally created us worthy enough to have dominion over his world. God created us good. This longing to be enough came from the very beginning: Adam and Eve. They wanted to have enough knowledge to be like God. 

    We beat ourselves up over not being enough when we already have a God who is enough. We beat ourselves up when we fall short, but there is grace in knowing what Jesus did for that. Our worth is not based on our limitations, but rather who we are in Christ. This longing to be enough, to have enough, to live a good enough life is normal, and it is important to remember that we ARE enough for what Christ has called us to. Remember that when you see a picture on social media of people getting together, and you feel excluded. Remember that if you feel excluded in a group. Remember that when trying to meet expectations for work or school. Remember that during times where you are striving to prove those lies wrong. You ARE enough for what God has called you to. You are limited in solving all the problems in the world, but through Jesus and a life deeply rooted in him, you ARE enough for what he has called you to right now.