The Beauty After the Storm

    This is my real college experience that I have held back on sharing. This is my personal experience of college and may include some aspects of the school I attended (which will not be named in this blog, however, most people who will read this blog will know where I went to school). I have held back over this past year about my school experience, but I feel like I have held back long enough. 

Sophomore year of college

    I was expected at that point to have everything figured out. I was supposed to have the rhythm down. I mean, I was supposed to make new friends freshman year, and those friends would stick around sophomore year. I was supposed to find a church by that point. I was supposed to have classes down. I was supposed to be a leader for the new freshmen. Here I was, though many of my friends were transferring or leaving, other friendships I used to have were having this weird shift and distance seemed to form, lost in the direction of finding a church, lost in understanding what I was supposed to do for the Lord, questioning my church and worship experience, struggling with all the changes, and going through low iron and energy levels. I went through what I called then "mid-college identity crisis," and I struggled to fully talk through it with others. I was confused and had no idea who to actually go to for direction

Junior year of college 

    I had 7 classes, including an internship. I had to make difficult decisions to cut contact with people I cared deeply about for safety reasons. This happened about 2 weeks before a decision was made that I felt like rocked my whole world. I had to keep up with everything after that decision as I struggled with my motivation because I felt that decision sucked away my purpose. It was something I thought I had power in, but the system overruled my power and my say basically. I struggled to keep up, go to class, go to work, go to my internship, and find joy in life. I felt God was disappointed in me because I could barely function, and that included reading my bible. Beauty did come in the fact that my overly critical voice ended, and I would just worship, not caring what others thought. I was so broken, and I just needed Jesus. I also had to deal with a program changing so much that it was not what I signed up for. 

Senior year of college 

    A summer of unsettling media. I was so anxious before and during move-in that I physically got sick. I started feeling sick a day before my moving in and got a migraine in the middle of the woods (the worst place to get a migraine). The migraine took me out for 2 days and I almost ended up in the hospital. What would I say to the new students if they brought up what was going on? I also found out the choir was gone, something I found great enjoyment in. I was nervous about protests. Throughout the year I saw times where my health was not taken seriously, for example, being in Wisdom Conversations, a required event for me, where I was forced to "look engaged for the cameras" after getting a migraine. I was forced to retake a class I got an A in the past year because it was merged with another class without a refund. Being left out constantly and not really feeling wanted around anymore. It is different just seeing that I am being left out on social media and living around it 24-7. Friends struggling with things that seemed so big and heavy, and feeling like I was struggling to support them. Trying so hard to graduate and just get done.  

The Storm

    College was a storm, honestly. I was in the midst of so much tension, and in a lot of ways, a very unsupportive environment (although there was some support from my peers). I felt my self-confidence diminish in college. I realized that spiritual growing pains are a normal part of growing in a relationship with Jesus; however, what I experienced in college wasn't spiritual growing pains I originally thought I was experiencing, but rather emotional and spiritual harm. I was in a very unstable environment 24-7 with constant tension, with constant being left out of things, and with really no outlet for what I was holding in. There were excellent counseling services, but I was still keeping a lot bottled up. By winter break, I realized how much more my self-hatred had grown. Why can't I keep up? I need to stop being so negative. I am not wanted. I can't keep up. No one wants me, my own mother didn't want me. I am no longer invited, I have to be alone. I am going through too much heavy stuff; I need to stop weighing others down with it. Maybe this has always been here, but I feel like college sort of magnified these lies that I will never be enough. I don't remember my thoughts towards myself always being this negative before I started college, honestly. They were negative sometimes, but it did not feel like a literal war tearing me a part on the inside was happening. 

    I thought going in that a Christian school would build me up in the life of following Christ. I did not know that chapels that were supposed to be times of worship would instead be filled with political messages rather than biblical reading. I did not expect things to be so tense all the time. I did not know that by going to this school, that my confidence would be worse coming out of it than it was when I started. I know I am an adult and I am in charge of growing my confidence; I am working on it. This summer, I am growing in my relationship with the Lord, and now I am distant from the constant pressure and being left out. 

    There were many good things about my alma mater. I met great people. I was held and supported in some difficult moments. I worshipped. I grew. I found beauty even in the hard. I learned about Christ love in a new way. I healed from some of my childhood trauma. I learned to have greater grace towards myself and others. 

The Weird but Good New- The Beautiful

    The past two weeks, I have experienced this weird and good new. In a lot of ways I miss college. I do miss my friends. I do miss the beauty of the outdoors on campus. I do miss the familiarity of the city I grew up 22 years in. However, I also feel relief. Relief that I don't have to go back to the place that sort of holds so much baggage. Relief that I don't have to deal with huge changes that bring up big challenges. Relief that I don't have to mask through these changes like I had to in years past. Missing out on o week activities was easier than I thought it would be. It also sort of helped that I had orientation for grad school on what would have been freshman move in day. It has been weird, but it hasn't been bad. In fact, it has been beautiful. 

    I have seen the beauty in my new grad school where people are excited to get to know me. Students have intentional support from the faculty through their whole time in the program through Abbey groups. I see students, even students far in the program, excited about the school. I am blessed to see a community time where the seminary comes together after chapel to support each other in prayers, laments and praises. I have seen classes with a deep integration of God's truth. This is weird because it is not what I am used to, but it is beautiful. I have seen a chapel that is not big, but it is beautiful, it is genuine. I have seen school leaders who are so genuine and who deeply care. 

    I have felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders and a return of personal autonomy. I have felt a breath of fresh air. God lead me to both of these schools for a reason, and my time at the one school has ended. I may never know my impact, but God does. I am moving on, trusting God with the broken pieces, and thanking him for the beautiful pieces. It was never a fully terrible experience, but it was an experience filled with ups and downs as I am sure this new experience will be filled with them. I pray that I can look back and see my growth, but I also pray that the Lord will heal those broken pieces that came from this experience.