After Graduation: One Month

    This blog is more centered around current things that have happened in my own life recently. This blog can benefit future graduates of college as they enter their first month post-graduation. I will lay out points of wisdom I have gained and my personal experience with each of these points, so that people won't feel alone. I currently feel alone in this, but I know I must not be the only one because there are so many college graduates across the country every year. 

    I graduated from college a month ago. Part of me never wanted college to end, and part of me was excited for college to be done. The past few weeks have not been a walk in the park. I have had everything change on me, and it is not easy. I have struggled with my expectations to find work, a new church, a community, and to live back home. I grew up where I went to college, and am now in a new place struggling to adjust. 

The Race to Fulfill Expectations

- Point of Wisdom #1: There does not need to be a race to fulfill all the expectations that come with finishing school, graduation, and post-graduation plans. You sort of have your whole life to figure it all out.

    I think that the biggest thing I have struggled with is this race; I want to complete it as soon as possible. I never like being in transitional times in my life, as transition is the most uncomfortable for me. The first day back to work for the summer, I remember thinking of how I wanted to do something different. I started searching for a new job right then and there. I realize now that I could have waited a week. Of course, it may have changed things, but I did not need to find a new job right away. I could have taken a couple of days to breathe. 

    I am now in the space where I am taking time to breathe, and this weekend has been really good in starting this path. I held in a lot of emotions throughout the past couple of weeks because I busied myself applying to job after job, interviewing, and onboarding. I wanted this expectation of getting a new job to stop being up in the air. So many things being up in the air right now have made me so anxious. I think had I taken time to breathe, I could have more effectively lifted up my cares to the Lord. I have learned that there does not have to be a race to fulfill all these post-graduation expectations. 

    Right now, I can take a step back and relax. I think I was so in the zone of managing and overdoing everything, that I have been basically driving on empty for weeks or even months. I wanted to keep driving to just get through it, but I was barely making it. This year, I felt so many expectations come up for me, and I got into the rhythm of trying to fulfill each one. When I found I could not fulfill each one, I went into a shame cycle. I need to stop expecting of myself, and I need to be expectant of God and what he can do in this season. 

One Point of Stability

- Point of Wisdom #2: Find one point of stability in your life to turn to as you go through many changes. This point of stability can be a church or a ministry, a group like a choir, or some place you find community. 

    I realized going into the summer and before this summer, one thing: I struggle with change a lot. When everything is changing around me, I go into overdrive to cover up the raging storm of emotions that come with it. Again, I am moving schools, towns, and I had the expectation of myself to move churches. When I started college, Grand Rapids felt like home already. I am now in a place that does not feel like home because I haven't been here that long. I had grown up in Grand Rapids for 18 years of my life at the point I started college, and now 22 years of my life now that I finished college, and the biggest adjustment was being away from family. Grand Rapids still felt like home when I started college; all my memories from childhood are in Grand Rapids. Most of my friends are in Grand Rapids, although some are in Hudsonville and Holland now. 

    The first month of summer, I felt like I had one point of stability could have been having the job I have had for the past 4 years. I think I needed a stable community to go to. I realize that I haven't really had the capacity with everything going on to go out and find a new community in a new church. Right now, I can't try out new churches because everything is changing around me. I have decided this weekend that my one point of stability will be to continue attending my Grand Rapids church weekly rather than once a month. I did not exactly feel ready to leave the church I was attending in Grand Rapids upon graduating, and I think I still need to attend for now for my own personal faith commitment and community. I felt rather sad to leave my church because I was just getting adjusted to the church, and this year they have a focus on worship and holy living. Those are what I wanted to focus on this year. 

Differences

- Point of Wisdom #3: Don't expect things to be similar to past years. Don't expect things to go the way you think they will go. 

    The past few years, I was a mess during finals week. I felt like crying every minute of it. I learned very early to brace myself for finals week because that week is the roughest week of the year. When finals week came for this year, I was expecting it to be worse than past years. Leading up to finals week, it felt so different than before. I did not want to go to my usual commitments; I wanted to spend more time with a few people. I wanted to watch movies with my roommate. I wanted to do my Tuesday night chats and hangouts with one of my other friends. I wanted to call my other roommate. I did not feel up to going to the gatherings I was a part of for my 4 years of college. I felt this tension between wanting to experience the last of things, but also being tired and just wanting to complete my homework.  

    Things going into finals week were different this time around. I got through finals week not being a mess, I walked across the stage excited to be done, and my roommate was going to leave. I thought throughout the week, maybe I won't experience the absolute mess I had experienced in the past couple of years. I was beyond wrong. I was overly exhausted after my graduation. I was both laughing and crying at the same time at one point. I drove home, and I probably shouldn't have driven home. I fell asleep at 8 pm that night and slept until like 10 am the next day. The next day was Mother's Day, which brought up all the emotions. Having graduation and Mother's Day within one day of each other should not be a thing, in my personal opinion. 

    Another thing is that at some point, it will hit you that you are not going back to the school you went to for 4 years. It may also hit at different times. For me, there are times it has already hit. I am going to graduate school, so I have completed my registration for classes. It hit during the time I spent registering as well as setting up my email. It hits when I see the posts on social media of orientation days, remembering that day four years ago when we got rained out of the scavenger hunt. I have also been told it will hit during August during orientation week. Even summer does not feel like past summers because things haven't gone the way I thought they would. 

Point of Wisdom # 4 Look Back, Look Forward, and Be Present

Look Back

    I think it is important to look back a little bit on the time in your life. There were so many key experiences in college that shaped me, and there were also some wounds that came from my time in college. Looking back is important to sort through both the shaping moments and the wounds. I think looking back needs to come with some boundaries. I think of the movie Inside Out when I think back on some memories of college. Those joyful memory balls are turning blue when I see some of the memories. I see a picture and I start feeling sad, missing those moments. It is ok to acknowledge that you are sad, looking back on memories. We can't obsess over the moments, though, because there is a life to live beyond college as well. I think when we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, we need to realize that we are walking into an eternity with joy by our side. At church today, we talked about God as joy-filled. We have new memories to make and they may be different than college ones. 

Look Forward

    When I stress out about some things, I like to ask myself, "Will this still stress me out 10 years from now?" Usually, the answer seems to be no. Will I still be sad about leaving college 10 years from now? Probably not. It does not mean I can't be sad now, but it just allows me to have hope that this won't last forever. One of my first days home from school, I went to my new school just to look around the campus and try to get excited about the new journey that is to come. I took time, too, when registering for classes to read the course descriptions. I think it is important to look forward with some boundaries, too. If you look forward a lot, you will miss the time you have now. Having moments of looking forward to something new coming up can allow you to get excited for what is to come. 

Be Present

    I made myself put my phone down today for as long as I needed to. I sat in my chair. People kept saying I need to lift my cares up to the Lord, and it says it in scripture, and here I was, so overwhelmed by cares and expectations. I sat down after getting home from Grand Rapids today and said "Ok Lord, I feel like I don't actually know how to lift my cares up to you, but I do know I feel better when I talk to others, so I will just talk to you like I do to others..." I went on and on for about 40 minutes crying, talking, praying, and praising over areas of great concern. In the end, I was tired but lighter, and I sat for a long time just thinking. It is hard to be present when you are overwhelmed, but do not want to address the overwhelm. Being present is important during this time as well. As I mentioned before, my least favorite time in life is one of many transitions. What are the joys of this time, though? One is that my 18-year-old self would never see as a joy is that I can admit I am not perfect, and I am messy in this. I can admit my faults and not try to prove myself because I know I am not perfect. Another is that the birds keep singing praises, and I can keep listening to them. I can praise the Lord as nature sings praises to him. Another is that I don't need to overdo everything like I have been doing. One last praise is that I am dancing again. Every rough season I have gone through has taught me that I will dance again. 

    

    You will get to the other side of this and find joy in life because life with Jesus is a life of joy. This life is eternal, where seasons of it are temporary. This is something I am telling myself right now.