The Whisper More Powerful Than The Loud Lies

    Sometimes we take steps forward in our progress and then take a huge step back. People talk about healing not being linear, and I have seen that. A few weeks ago, I felt like I basically fell down the whole flight of stairs in my healing journey. I had a doctor's appointment that brought out a lot of stress and difficult emotions. The days after the appointment, I felt like I was basically starting all over again on healing. I know that seems extreme, but that is how I felt. My nerves were so bad that I had multiple stomach aches over the past couple weeks as well as a migraine and deep heavy emotions. I thought, "There has gone all this progress I have made". The lies and insecurities just seemed to get so much louder after the appointment. The truth is that this starting over feeling was less so me starting this whole healing thing over again, and more so the deep stuff coming up. It was stuff I thought for sure I had gotten over, and I felt shame not having gotten over it. 

    I think that sometimes we think of healing and progress as something that we need to ace. This society places an emphasis on numbers, improvement, and constant growth. I am not saying growth is not good, but it can be hard to truly let go when we constantly strive for growth and shame ourselves for not being as far along as we thought when things come up. The World says that earning basically is the purpose of humanity. A good life in this world seems to be centered on earning wealth, success, career, family, and relational satisfaction. What can you contribute to society? God has a different outlook loving those who are often looked down upon, undervalued, or in lowly positions. God sees us not for our limitations, but as his beautiful good creation. I think when we get caught up in the Worldly view of our worthiness, we strive to fill the gap and to constantly grow. What are we growing towards if we are never going to be satisfied with our identity?

    With our identity rooted in Christ, we have something to rest in and to reach for. I read about this in my Discovering Soul Care book for my Soul Care in Ministry class. Are we constantly reaching to better ourselves and neglecting to rest in the fact that we are children of God? Last week Monday at my school worship gathering pre-meeting, I walked in feeling this incredible weight. I was struggling all week with just telling myself these lies that I was so annoying, unwanted, or not good enough. I walked in with what felt like multiple tornados. I walked in with the shame of feeling like I was starting over in healing. I sat down not at all feeling like going to the gathering. It was after a whole week of just feeling so much heaviness. I felt like I was bottling up so many emotions, and usually, with bottling up emotions I don't know who to really tell or when to tell them. 

    I sat there still in the moment, not with the thought of me being annoying or unwanted, not with the shame of where I had been that week with having emotional or physical pain; I sat there for the first time that week with my mind not screaming the things I had been hearing. I sat there in silence enough to hear a whisper. It was the whispers of "Child" and "Loved" repeated over and over again. Tears came to my eyes as the heaviness seemed to be pierced through. The storm inside seemed to stop. I felt as if God's words so gentle and such a whisper to me his daughter pierced through the lies and the heaviness of my soul put on by the enemy. I drew out an image of what I felt like happened during this moment

    Sometimes when we stop and listen, we hear a whisper of truth with more power than any lie that has been trying to consume us. The lies for me sometimes scream so loud. I tend to collect evidence and then overgeneralize it to everyone around me. I was nervous about sharing these insecurities that I have. The lies have invaded moments throughout my college experience. Sometimes in the midst of the screaming and loud clinging, we need to listen for the voice of God that is like a whisper.

    Healing has many mental and physical aspects to it. Sometimes, no matter how much I prepare myself, I still get worked up and won't really be prepared. It is sometimes hard to know how to be prepared for things. The past few weeks when I felt as if I fell down the stairs and had to start over, I was reminded yet again that I am a Child of God. Children are loved and they don't have to prove anything to God. This Sunday at church, we talked about the limitless forgiveness of God. Not even 200,000 years of debt could keep the debtor from the grace of the Father. 

    

  This walk of healing is a walk that requires the Lord. What may feel like falling backward may be another root coming to the surface. God knows the seasons in which we are ready for these roots to come up even when we do feel hard-pressed on every side. The Friday before this moment at Met by Love, I drew out what I felt was going on inside of me. 

    

    I felt very hard-pressed on every side with insecurities, past trauma, and grief. On top of that, I have been keeping up with school, family, friends, and work. There was so much heaviness I was carrying. When I talked with friends about it, I was laughing through it just trying to hold what felt like a huge storm of emotions in. I still felt this heaviness after drawing out this image, but I was reminded that I was not crushed. A few days after this, I had the moment at Met By Love where I realized the gentle whisper of God can really pierce through a storm. 

    Recently when having boba tea with a friend and reflecting back on that moment. I realized something about the drawings I did: they had the words loved and child on them. The words whispered to me were loved and child. The drawing with all the tornados that represented me being hard pressed on every side was drawn on Friday whereas the drawing with the tornado with the insecurities I was having being pierced through with a whisper was drawn the following Monday. I don't remember having a feeling besides the heaviness I was already feeling that Friday. I felt like the drawing was simply just me putting on paper visually how I was feeling. However, on that Monday, the Holy Spirit moved and pierced through those feelings of heaviness with those exact same words. We don't always realize that even when we don't feel a shift in our feelings or a shift in our circumstances, the Holy Spirit is still very much at work.