Persevering through Grief and Burnout

     My life recently has involved a lot of grieving. I have had days where it seems impossible to get up and get out of bed. Going to class just seems like the last thing I want to do. I have spent the last couple months not certain if I could make it through the semester in all honesty. More days than not, I just wanted to lay in bed all day. Yet, here I am still going, and I am getting through it. Life is full of difficult seasons of burnout, and I know that right now I am tired and weary. I have learned through this season how to deal with grief and still go through life through these things:

1. Mental Health days are so important, but there are some times in life where we just need to continue going through our daily life. It can be hard to get up and go to class or work. I understand the struggle. Almost everyday over the past few months, I have struggled to get up because I am tired or I just want to lay in bed all day feeling sad. Sometimes we need to not let our feelings get to us in a way that prevents us from living our lives. I have seen mental health days be used in a way that may result in someone sinking deeper into sadness where people take so many of them, and I felt like if I wasn't careful that could have been the case. It is ok to take time off to grieve, but in some cases, it is important to get out of bed and at least try our best. Many of the days, once I got going, I was able to feel better. I knew that when the circumstances of grief came up, it would be so easy to just fall into a pit of sadness and it would be so hard to get out. As tempting as it was to cancel everything and just lay in bed, I knew by getting up, I would feel better through seeing friends and going through living my life.

2. Transitions are important. This can be such a hard thing. When I am laying in bed struggling to get up for the day, or if I would rather just stay in my room rather than going to class, it can be hard to transition into getting things done. The best way to approach transitions in times of grief and burnout is to show grace and to have a specific time to get up or get ready to do something. For example, if I have to get to work by 8 am, I know I should leave by 7:40. I wake up around 6:45 to get ready for work. Sometimes I struggle to wake up or getting ready. I will say to myself "I need to start getting dressed and ready to go at 7 am, and once I am ready I can lay back down until 7:35". Setting and sticking to this time helps me to get through getting ready for the day of work. Transitions can be so hard, especially in times of grief and depression; however, having specific transition times with grace involved allows the transition to go more smoothly. Having grace looks like giving time to mentally prepare for the transition. I am awake at 6:40, and I need to start getting ready to go at 7 am; therefore, I have 20 minutes to just lay in bed thinking through things and preparing to get up for the day. 

    Transitions are also important in regards to something that may seem overwhelming. There are sometimes assignments or even instances at work where I become overwhelmed. Transitioning from procrastination can be challenging. Something I often will do is little mental checklists like: step one- put down my phone, step two- open my computer, step three- start making an outline based on the assignments requirements, and so on. The same thing happens at work where I will talk myself through tasks. This helps me to not get overwhelmed when multiple tasks are needed to be done. 

3. Sometimes 40% is your 100%. One day, I laid down my textbook in tears because I did not get as much done as I wanted to get done. I was working so hard to get it done, and I just could not get it done. I went into a shame cycle thinking things like "I can't believe I couldn't get this done, I was so unproductive today, but I can't do this". Then I said to myself "wait, what did I actually do today?" I realized that though I did not complete everything I wanted, I still did a lot. I was still crying not feeling like I did enough, and I walked out to one of my friends who saw I was upset. It was hard for me to realize I just did not have the mental capacity to get any more things done. She told me that it was ok for me to stop and be done working on things. Your worth is not what you can get done in a day. Sometimes, you need to realize that you are worthy to rest, and not just scroll through Instagram rest, but rest with your community and rest with God. 

4. I have taken a couple classes off this semester. I know skipping class is not ideal; however, there were times where I noticed my need. My need in those moments was more rest and healing. I knew I did not want to ever make a habit of skipping classes, so I was very intentional regarding the classes I did skip. I also reached out to professors to explain my circumstances to them.  

5. God will carry you. I can't even say I have been the perfect Christian through my grief. I should be going to God in my grief and weariness, but some days I am honestly just scrolling through Instagram or going through my day not spending any time with God. I have felt so stuck honestly; yet, I have still been able to see the faithfulness of God. I sometimes can't understand how he is faithful and why so faithful to me. Earlier today, I turned on the Father's Song and I just thought to myself "Why is God even proud of me? I have fallen out of my usual Bible reading and I feel like I am not doing enough for him. I am going through grief and I am struggling to turn to God through it". I think this way, yet it is beautiful the faithfulness that God has been. A community has wrapped their arms around me as I am going through this, and this time right now I feel the least alone I have ever felt. I realize much of my guilt comes from striving rather than seeking. I want to turn to God, which I think I am actually doing; however, I also want to spend uninterrupted time with him. What comes from being tired often times is just the scrolling through reels or profile pages. I look back over this semester to the moments where I did not know if I would make it through, and I realize I am making it through. I am getting to the end no matter what. There are two weeks left of the semester, and it is not me alone who is getting through this semester; it is God the King of kings and Lord above it all carrying me through.