What I am Learning in my Season of Grief

     Grief... something that I always thought was something I wanted to avoid. I thought I was strong enough to just not deal with it and go on with my life with a smile on my face always laughing. At the beginning of October, I experienced something (I won't really go into details about the situation itself) that has caused grief over this month. Not only am I experiencing grief from the situation, but I am also going through one of my heaviest semesters class-wise ever in college. What am I learning exactly:

1. Memories are a way of processing and a way of healing. 

    Memories just love to come up, especially during the holidays. I am writing this after remembering something that just brought me to tears on Halloween. It brought me to tears as I thought through what I had lost. It is painful to look back on happy memories and realize that you have had a loss in your life. I have always wanted the memories to go away, but now I embrace them because I know by feeling guilty about having memories, I am not taking time to process them. 

    Processing in order to heal is a hard challenge in life. There are times where I would rather numb because the pain is so heavy. When this memory came up, it felt like it was such a simple happy memory. I was younger then and it was simply me having a good time. What made me sad was realizing what I have lost since then. It feels like I have lost so much, and the pain sometimes feels like it never goes away. I realize how much I need to be patient in this slow process of healing. 

2. There will always be sadness in life, but there is so much joy too.

    Any Hallmark fans? I am not really into Hallmark; however, I love the show When Calls the Heart (at least Season 1 through 5). (SPOILER ALERT) When Elizabeth is grieving the loss of Jack who died in season 5, her friend Abigail said this quote "There will always be sadness in life, but there is so much joy too". I love this quote because I know that life is filled with trials, grief, sadness, and hard things. I also know the joy that comes from a friend sitting with you in the most difficult of times. I know the joy of looking around and seeing where the Lord has blessed me. Sadness comes when I realize some of the painful things I have been through; however, so much joy comes when I realize who has been with me through it all. 

3. It is ok to cry. 

    I grew up hearing things like "crying won't solve anything". That hasn't stopped me from crying a lot because I certainly do cry a lot. I am very emotionally driven and sensitive; nothing can take that away from me although I often got ridiculed for crying growing up. However, I cry a lot more alone than I do in front of others. In college, I have come to cry a lot more in front of others because I am around people all the time and college has become such a safe place for me. I like to counter what I have heard growing up because I believe crying does solve something, it releases tension within our bodies. If I hold onto heavy emotions, I can't think clearly. Crying allows for processing through grief and hard emotions to occur.

4. Jesus is the Light of the World. 

    On Halloween, I was listening to Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant. It was snowing and I felt sad over the memory. "Breath of Heaven, hold me together..." I needed God to hold me together through the deep pain I was feeling. Here I was trying hard to hold it together. I know people have different thoughts on Halloween, but I see it as the start of the holidays and a long haul of mixed emotions of both grief and joy. There is pain knowing that my life has changed a lot since the time I was a kid. I often feel a sense of loss during the holidays, and I wish some things could remain the way things were. 

    However, on this Halloween day, despite being in the midst of grief and hearing this song, I knew I had hope. The Light of the World came down to earth as a baby. Of course, Christmas is when we tend to celebrate it happening; however, I saw that in the midst of the darkness of grief during the start of the holidays, there is a beautiful precious light that comes from Jesus. Especially on Halloween when fear is promoted more than the love of God, we need to remember the joy represented on our celebration of Christmas. I believe that Jesus's birth, life and ministry, and death should be celebrated everyday. Everyday, whether it is seeing the beauty of the earth or going through our work, God works and has brought us to be saved from sin. 

5. Striving is not the same as seeking the Lord. 

    Sitting in my car, I yelled through tears "I AM SO SORRY GOD, I AM SO SORRY GOD". I knew I was going through a month of grief but turning to the wrong things for validation. I turned back to numbing through scrolling through social media and I even blamed my not reading of my Bible on my busy schedule. I felt like I disappointed God and I just wanted to please him. I couldn't believe that I went almost a whole week without reading my Bible and not being consistent throughout the past month with it. I was incredibly critical and shameful towards myself thinking "if only I turned to my Bible more, I would find such peace during this time." I did not sit in that shame though, but I told a friend about what was going through my mind. She reminded me that nothing I could ever do or fail to do could change the love God has for me. I ended up starting to read through the Beatitudes of Matthew, and the one that stood out to me was "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted". Of course, I am reading through the book of Matthew right now, but this was perfect timing of reading through this verse. 

    Striving... This is a big word I keep hearing this year. Why do I feel the need to strive? I believe it comes from always feeling like I needed to earn love. It is always an underlying thought and no matter what I do, I feel like I can never really prove myself or do good enough. The truth is though is that I nor anyone else needs to prove ourselves to God. Gideon who was a judge feared the plan God had for him, but God worked through Gideon showing that all Gideon had to do was trust God. We need to realize God's power than can come through us in what we do, but it ultimately is in his glory that it is revealed.  

   Seeking is different from striving. I feel like striving is trying to prove ourselves to God. Seeking is knowing God in all our circumstances. Saying “Lord I know you are with me” is different than saying “I read 5 chapters of the Bible today”.  Seeking God is learning of him through scripture and time with him; however, if our heart is to prove ourselves to God, we need to understand that God wants our heart more than legalistic practices. 

6. Having boundaries does not make you fail in loving someone. 

    Guilt sets in when wishing I could do more for those I love, but realizing the best thing I could ever do is lift up these people I love to God, I feel so much more peace. I feel this peace because it is not on me to fix what is going on, but it is given up to the King of the Universe. Grief and shame that comes from the boundaries can be a strong mix of emotions. I realize that boundaries can be so uncomfortable when the actions and words I saw and heard throughout growing up were all so dismissive of boundaries, making boundaries seem so disrespectful.