Confidence

     "You need to come out of your shell", "You are always so quiet, you need to be louder", etc were things I heard so much growing up. I grew up thinking that my personality was a flaw because people were always telling me to be louder, and more confident. I thought that confidence was being the loud, outgoing person who is always ready to give a TED Talk, play a sport, or perform. I did not think that being quieter and more laid back was confidence. 

    My friends would know that I am not always quiet. I have a louder sillier side to myself, but I find myself sometimes needing space to step back into quietness. I love people, but I also love time alone. When I entered college, I had heard enough of people telling me that "you need to get out there". I ended up completely spending my days constantly trying to see people, going to everything I physically could, and staying busy until I physically couldn't stay awake anymore. I was taking the advice that everyone gave me to the extreme. I ended up beginning to realize what I was doing was not healthy, but I did not know how to stop. I could not figure out what I wanted to give up to be able to rest.  

    I was so busy all the time because I thought that getting out there involved the constant going to everything. I also had to learn to deal with FOMO and the build up of all the emotions that I was avoiding. I think back on my first year of college, and I wish that people did not emphasize the "getting out there" advice so much. Of course, I have had to take responsibility for my wellbeing, but as a student new to college, all I heard growing up was that I needed to come out of my shell. I wish that some of the advice I was given before college included how to be involved but also how to set personal boundaries so I wouldn't burn out as I did in my spring semester of Freshman year. Sophomore year was a year of recovering from living off of adrenaline where I was always so tired. I have learned that even the most well meaning advice is not always the best advice, or that advice could be good to a certain extent. Too much of a good thing can really be harmful.

    I think of confidence now less about how outgoing someone is, and it is more about how much someone can see and use their own strengths in their personalities. As I have gone through college, I have met people who seem so confident in themselves and having very different personalities. They see themselves on the purpose of the Great Commission written about in Matthew 28:16-20.  They understand the purpose God has given them, and they use the strengths of their own personality in loving people and going out to disciple the people around them.

    I was sitting at a table in the cafeteria recently after the Send thinking about my struggle with insecurities that we prayed through during the Send. Instead of going through my usual cycle of feeling insecure, and not feeling good enough for what God has called me to, I started thinking about what strengths I do have. I realized that my strengths have things I can definitely grow in, and I am growing in, but they are still what I am really strong in. I was thinking about my strength in noticing a need to change in order to become healthier, and I am always so open to trying to change. I have also noticed that I am strong in my sensitivity and always trying to make sure people feel loved. Of course there is times where I fall short even in my strengths, but God did not create me to wallow in where I fall short. He created me in the grace that comes through the perfect person of Jesus. God is using me for his glory even when I do fall short. 

    Additionally, I think of what the Bible says in Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see".  This whole passage I realize highlights people who have remained faithful and hopeful to God. Did these people fall short sometimes? Yes. However, these people knew that by following God he would work all things together for good. How confident am I in God that he will provide my every need, and that he will equip me throughout my life? My confidence in God comes from seeing not just what he has done throughout scripture, but seeing what he has done in my life. 

    Be confident in who God has called you to be. Realize that not everybody has the same strengths as you, but all of our strengths and gifts work together in the Body of Christ. God designed you in a way that can glorify him as long as you remain hopeful in whatever you are called to do.